When it comes to domestic and family violence, sadly it knows no cultural bounds, as Lucy Jinga Muzungu found out.
There were red flags early in Lucy’s relationship with her abuser but she wanted to persevere, as in her culture, marriage is forever, enduring this toxic marriage for six years.
A few years into the marriage, the pair migrated to Australia from Zambia, where Lucy’s abuser increased his control of his family, displaying tactics of spiritual, emotional, social and psychological abuse and isolating Lucy from creating any support networks.
The most dangerous time for Lucy came when she tried to escape the relationship, resulting in a severe physical attack.
Asked what was the first red flag for her in the marriage, Lucy said it was that he was very stingy with money.
“He was looking after his eight brothers, four sisters, all his uncles and aunties, his mother and father and other extended family,” she said.
“I thought it was a good thing, but then when we started dating and I needed financial support, he would always say that he is the bread winner for the family of origin, so he couldn’t support me.
“The second red flag was that he moved to [after] South Africa three months of us dating.
“I was in Zambia and I spoke to him on the phone and told him that I went swimming.
He asked me what I wore when I went swimming and when I told him a one-piece swim suit, he was very angry and told me that he can’t marry a woman who wears swimwear.
“I honestly thought he was joking, but once we got married, he threw away all my swimwear and I was not allowed to go swimming or take our children for swimming lessons.
“In hindsight, that was a big red flag.”
Things only got harder for Lucy when they immigrated to Australia, trying to understand the English slang and Australian system, but being so very isolated.
“He gave me a bank card and then I had no idea that he was transferring all the money to a savings account.
“At the time, I did not understand internet banking, so I would go to the shops and the card would decline.
“We had no Medicare card, so we had to pay full fees for our medical aid, which didn’t help as my daughter, who was 14 months old, used to get sick a lot.
“I had to dress like a Muslim and the weather here is very hot and humid, meaning I would get hives from the heat and not wearing cool clothes.
“If I wore shorts or something cool, he would assault me and rape me for hours non stop.
“He was the king of the castle.
“I had to do all the house chores and I would sometimes have no food for my baby and I but he expected me to provide for him.
“I look back and I wonder how I survived.
“I felt isolated all the time and I had no access to anything.
“Life was hard and my daughter was a very scared child.”
Lucy’s home situation was a lesson in different cultures for the Australian police.
While Lucy admits that not every Zambian man is like that, the Australia police did not understand why any man would neglect his own wife and children to look after his mother, father and other family, meaning his wife had to go back to work when her son was only three weeks old.
Asked what she would say to other women who might be planning on leaving an abusive situation, Lucy said they need to have support.
“I was almost murdered when I got permanent residency because I started going to church against his will and I exposed him to a Zambian lady that he was using tracking devices on me and was monitoring everything I was doing on social media.
“He used to assault me and rape me if he did not like the conversation.
“He also used to pretend to be me and talk to my male friends and request that they stop talking to me.
“I now work for CADA – the Centre Against Domestic Abuse and see if a woman wants to leave, let her find support systems in place because she can be murdered.
“The police who arrested my ex-husband 12 years ago were very supportive, I was blessed.
“Child safety also gave me a good social worker who helped me through recovery.
“Let any woman leaving find good support system and let her not expose her location to anyone.
“Now that I work for CADA. I now understand that I am blessed by God to be alive and here 12 years later to tell my story.
“I saw my daughter who was four at the time graduate from high school, my son is also the most gentle boy ever as I did a lot of work on myself to create a safe environment for my children.
“I was filled with gratitude but tears too.
“My abuser lost and I won.”
While Lucy has continued to work hard, still seeing a psychologist, she also completed a degree and got her dream job as a Women’s Wellbeing Practitioner for CADA and even runs her own business Jingas Counselling Services.
“Attending my daughter’s formal, I was able to enjoy the moment without the narcissist psychopath destroying every precious moment,” she said.
“I am saving towards my dream home and even have chandeliers in boxes waiting to build my dream home.
“We feel safe, we are not worried at whether the rent is paid, electricity and other bills.
“I have created a beautiful life and I am so happy and at peace.
“I always say “Domestic violence! End it now!
“I survived to tell the tale, my pain became my super power and now I am helping women and children who have experienced domestic and family violence.
“It is a miracle.
My children are thriving, I am thriving and not even the sky is the limit.
“There is life after DFV and I don’t like that I experienced DFV but it has created doors that I never thought I would walk through.”
